Regardless of who you are, the world is a big place and there are millions of people who are very similar to you, who you would get along great with and could form meaningful relationships with. I think it's very important that you fight the urge to attribute your loneliness to anything intrinsic to who you are as a person. You don't need to be pretty, funny, or smart to make friends and have meaningful, deep relationships. Like seriously, it's extremely important to understand that it really doesn't have anything to do with you.

One mistake I made when I was in university was have a baseline assumption that I was unlikable or similarly flawed, hence I would always find reasons why someone disliked me and pushed them away as a defence mechanism. Regardless of if it's true it's a horribly unproductive mindset to have and I encourage you to fight it.

Also you won't make friends by reading books. It's tempting to overanalyse but human connection isn't something you learn by reading, you learn it by doing it. A bunch. Go travel and see the world.

My main advice would be to make NONE of this about you. Be genuinely curious about others. Really listen to them. Look in their eyes when they are talking to you and when you are talking to them. Completely put the notion of you needing or lacking friends in the backseat and put an interest and genuine caring about the lives of random people you meet in the front.

You can't go into this with the goal of gaining something. Go in with the goal of giving of yourself -- your time, attention and interest.

Do the reps on this and you will become a person people want to be around.

Not exhaustive by any means but here some ideas:

  > To make friends, be one -- figure out what this means 
  > Be vulnerable -- the quickest way to connection I have found is to be ok with sharing your vulnerability first  
  > Be ok with rejection -- the danger of being vulnerable is getting rejected, be ok with that. Plenty of fish in the sea
  > Love yourself -- learn to give yourself grace
  > Practice gratitude
  > Serve/Volunteer/Teach -- you have unique valuable skills, figure out what they are and help others
  > Join clubs that excite you -- if none exist create one. (derek sivers: how to start a movement, consider being the second person)
  > Find your tribe online -- if none exist create one (see above)

Focus on physical and mental well being, life is long and one never knows the turns, the ups and downs that will come about -- learn to be resilient and don't lose your sense of humor

Start with the low hanging fruit: your family.

There was a period when I put space between myself and my main friends which resulted in loneliness, but I found this created a new space to connect with my siblings who were really interesting and had grown in ways I hadn't noticed.

Also, as Charlie Munger always said: "Invert! Invert! Invert!". Try doing the opposite of what you normally do. This requires of course paying attention to what you normally do (or don't do). Instead of waiting for others to reach out to you, for example, you might instead approach them.

Be okay with the fear of rejection. When we are kids we make friends so easily because we haven’t yet learned to protect ourselves from rejection.

An interesting exercise I had to do recently as part of a teambuilding exercise: offer a hug to 5 random strangers. I promise this will teach you something about yourself, and about others.

The standard way to form a friendship is to be around someone regularly with whom you share a common goal.

This happens in some school environments (eg: long-term group projects), many work environments, team sports, certain vacation environments, etc.

Join a language class, or a sports club, or find employment somewhere, or go on a hostel vacation.

Make sure it's something you want to do for its own sake - enough so that you're not obsessing over befriending people.

If you are reading books, "Letters to a Young Poet" is a good one on the subject.[0] When I was 17 I volunteered in an after school center in a housing project in Lower Manhattan and the other teens in the program became my circle of friends. After moving to California, I was the same at 19 and some things that helped included buying a road bike and riding 20 miles a day 4 days a week. It was something fun I did alone but eventually I made friends who shared that hobby. Later I purchased a paddle board which was something I also did alone. My neighbors who also had a paddle boards left a note on my door asking if I wanted to join them on a Saturday. When I was working with Drupal I would go to meetups which not only introduced me to a future employer but also I made friends at. There was a coffee shop where people my age would hang out. I'd get a coffee and read books -- eventually I started interacting with and becoming friends with people who saw me a few times a week. Hostels are like summer camp for adults. I would recommend spring break at the Mango Mansion in San Juan, Puerto Rico if you can afford the plane ticket. Otherwise take a weekend to visit an interesting city near you and get a bunk. You will be invited to go out and see the sights with other people doing the same.

Overall, it about finding things that are interesting that I can do alone. Eventually people seeing me do it would lead to making connections. However, the reason I did the things is because they are interesting and staved off boredom. Making friends with shared interest was a side effect.

[0] https://www.amazon.com.br/Letters-Young-Rainer-Maria-Rilke/d...

I was very lonely my first two years of college. I moved across the country to California for school and I don’t think 10 people knew my name by the end of my 2nd year. It was borderline debilitating and honestly reading your comment brings back a lot of those memories. The two things that helped me were getting off my phone/internet and going to therapy. Your things will most likely be different. A lot of people will tell you to join clubs etc. This is more or less the right answer with the caveat being that you most likely will not make “real” friends from these if you’re not open to connection. I was in jazz ensemble my first two years of college and made 0 friends. It wasn’t until after therapy/getting into a relationship with someone from a dating app that I started making friends. Probably from the increased confidence? Not sure. I’m now a senior and I’m just starting to actually develop “real” friendships.

Feel free to reach me at alexbwell12 at gmail dot com. Don’t have any crazy wisdom to pass down — just know how much it sucked for me.

Go to Reddit with this kind of thing, seriously

Some of these ideas are possibly terrible, but just a brain dump:

I'd pop your head into random events in college, even if it's groups you don't feel align with you.

Try some courses that tend to require higher levels of interaction (like theatre)

I wouldn't join a fraternity, but that's a way some connect with others.

Turn yourself into a billboard, wearing T-shirts for things you like (bands, geeky things, etc). A "cool shirt" comment can start a conversation.

Start smoking. Ok, don't do that. But when I was in school it gave me a reason to congregate in the smoking section of campus. Terrible idea, but it did help me meet some people that almost 30 years later I still consider friends.

> What am I supposed to do? Be lonely and without any kind of company and human connection my entire life?

You won't be. I'm 48 now, and while I'm somewhat well adjusted, when I was your age, and even a bit older, I was such an introverted outcast. Still am, I just learned how to communicate better over time and more or less relate to people where they are, even if we are different. We all grow at different rates. That doesn't help your sense of loneliness today, but as you discover yourself and who your "tribe" is, those connections will form and grow, even if it seems impossible today.

People will suggest what works for them, sometimes it will apply, often it will not. You have to find what works for you, and maybe multiple times because once you graduate, you will find yourself back in the same situation.

The best suggestion I received was to imagine where I wanted to be long term, and to go on working on that. Somehow it took me out of the loop of trying to find an answer outside of my own self.

The other thing that helped was to stop trying to do the same as what others around are (saying they are) doing and be honest with myself and others about what I wanted.

Join a club or professional fraternity (highly recommend). You'll make lifelong friends. You have to get out there and make it happen and don't bail if it seems daunting or makes you nervous.

If you live on campus (you definitely should if possible), make friends with the people who live in your dorm. Keep your door open at all times and be friendly to everyone around. People will just drop in. If your uni has college basketball or football, become a fan of the team and go to the games or watch em in the dorm.

In college you have tons of people around you with all sorts of different backgrounds. Rest assured, someone will have common interests with you and will find you fascinating. You don't need a lot of friends in this life, just a few good ones. Not everyone will like you, that's okay.

I'd also recommend talking to a professional, you might need to practice your social interactions. They have groups for this sorta thing if they deem you ready, but there's something more going on that has put you in this situation I'd wager.

Good luck!

I’m sorry you’re feeling so isolated. It’s really hard to be in a situation where you feel like your attempts don’t go anywhere. But the good news is things can get better really fast. Finding your people in college is one of the best things. I’m not really good at faking a lot of social stuff so I relate a to your frustration. The good news is people respond really well to people who have a genuine interest in them. So it sounds like you need to go find some people you find interesting and interact with them. I was trying to make friends in Seattle recently and I thought that one of the most experienced scuba divers in Seattle wouldn’t want to be my dive partner because they had so much more experience, but my interest in what they were doing closed the gap and now they’re a close friend of mine and I’ve learned so much about scuba diving.

You focus on others talking to you, why don't you talk to them? I don't mean just one conversation but making plans for hanging out next time too, or joining hobbies you'd like to do.

One thing I've learned is that you yourself must make an effort first, even if you think it's unfair or if it's a lot of work, otherwise you'll be lonely forever.

Do you know if you have any sort of neurodivergence? That may be a part of it too. You say small talk tends to bore you yet that is how people start mingling at first. Maybe people are put off by you being put off on small talk.

You need to lead, talk, make friends and be outside your comfort zone. You need to make an effort.

This may not make you feel better, but I was lonely until maybe age 25. That was the year I graduated and started my first job and made my first two real friends. Before that I sat alone in the back of the lecture hall in University and hated on all the fun-having classmates.

Age 25 was also when I met my first girlfriend that lasted less than a year. Age 34 was when I met my second girlfriend, who became my wife, and how we are separated. Long story short, I'm pretty content with my life now. You can say I'm a bit of a late bloomer.

I thought I would be alone forever too, so much so that in college I aspired to be a Buddhist monk.

What helped me was learning how to be less socially awkward through work interactions. When I was 32 I solo backpacked Europe which made me seem like a more interesting person. Also I'm a bit of a people pleaser and I was helpful to some key people in my life and they are now my good friends. Also I saved and invested a good chunk of my income which kind of helps overall with confidence.

> People find me funny and when I do talk to people we have decent conversations (though small talk tends to bore me). However that doesn’t lead anywhere and doesn’t bring me any kind of comfort or fulfillment. I’ve attributed my lack of friends to something that places all the blame on me. Maybe I’m ugly, maybe I’m not funny enough, maybe I’m dumb.

I've felt all those things at some point. You don't have to be attractive or funny or a genius. I've always walked around with these recurring fantasies of being some secretly impressive superhero that saved the day publicly or had all these amazing talents and everyone would realize my worth. I realize now that everyone is too into their own lives to care, and even if they seem to admire something about you, they see it from the perspective of how it benefits themselves. This is absolutely fine, and human.

I guess what I'm saying is that you'll grow out of this phase. Right now I have all the friends I could ever want, ironically at a phase I'm my life I want to be more solitary.

Making friends is a lot of work, can be uncomfortable, and it takes time.

One cool thing about university is that there are lots of clubs you can join. I'd suggest you go find a club you're interested in and participate every week. Talk to people when you get the opportunity. I've read it takes around five times attending a group before people start taking your attendance seriously enough start investing time in getting to know you. Give it a few months and I'll bet you have some acquaintances that could become friends.

Do you have any hobbies or interests outside of school? If you're passionate about something, you'll be more interesting to people. It'll give you personality. Even if they don't have the same interest, they will ask you about it. And obviously, you'll also meet people who have the same interests.

I'll give you an extreme example: there was a Claude AI chatbot that was obsessed with the Golden Gate Bridge. This bot (a computer... a machine) had personality and was considered quirky, funny, endearing, and people loved it.

I haven't tried this myself and this might be absurd, but attending PhD defences might be an interesting way to meet new people

One option is to find a good doctor/psychiatrist/therapist and try to get diagnosed. (You can also try to self-diagnose via the Interne, your favorite LLM, or just skimming the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DSM-5, but that's a risker option due to false positives and noise.)

If you do have a well-studied issue such as https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism or https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder that interferes with socialization, you can find support groups and people who have been able to succeed even with those issues.

Some of these social problems (e.g, ones caused by missing childhood socialization experiences) are curable through practice, but others will require you to learn enough about human social behavior to mask until someone figures out a cure. It can be exhausting, (just like physical exercise can be exhausting) but it's a useful skill to have in order to do well in life.

Good luck.

You're asking the wrong crowd bub. We're mostly tech nerds driven to computers by loneliness (or lack of social skills).

Join an interest group on Meetup maybe.

Maybe you can ask for phone numbers and call people who you like to converse with?

> People find me funny and when I do talk to people we have decent conversations (though small talk tends to bore me). > However that doesn’t lead anywhere and doesn’t bring me any kind of comfort or fulfillment

You have two good things going for you here:

- you're able to hold a conversation with people, even if it might not be as deep a conversation as you'd like it to be.

- you're funny and can joke around with people.

It sounds like you might have some surface level relationships and want deeper connections with people, which is totally understandable. Small talk can be boring at first, but it often opens the possibility of deeper relationships. I'd recommend low-stakes/activity based social interactions and seeing where they take you.

Some ideas:

- If you're on your way to the dining hall to get a meal, ask your dorm mates if they wanna join

- Colleges have a movie night on weekends to see a movie for free, ask class mates, dorm mates to go.

- Does your campus have like a rec/game center (think pool, air hockey, games etc). Another thing to ask people to.

You might have to suffer through a lot of rejection before you get takers. After that you might have to suffer through small talk about the weather, where someone is from, what their major is, etc before you get to the deeper connections.

> What am I supposed to do? Be lonely and without any kind of company and human connection my entire life?

This is called catastrophizing. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/catastrophizing

If you take nothing else away from my comment, I would suggest finding out why you do that, and try to change that mental behavior. It might not directly help with loneliness, but it might make your life more satisfactory.

That said, while other folks on HN will have some advice you'll find useful, I'm not sure how applicable my experiences are to anyone else. My advice would be to examine the things you're interested in, especially if they're weird or "cringe", and find people who share those interests. Be shamelessly authentic.

If you don't have any such interests, I dunno.

I had the same issue after college. I joined a meetup group and made lots of friends over the course of a few years. It's been over a decade now, and I'm still friends with many of them.

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